When the man doesn’t work full time the marriage ends in divorce.

[Jenny]

What about same sex couples?

[Test]

The point is clear division of labor. So same sex couples succeed with the same terms — a clear division of labor rather than everyone doing everything.

[Dorie]

My husband attempted 17 months of being a part-time, stay-at-home dad. We were on the brink of divorce before we ended the experiment. I felt frustrated he did none of the housework and would only watch the kids but he wouldn’t participate in the kids’ activities. He felt frustrated that I wasn’t doing everything I did when he was working full-time. I never knew it was possible to feel so much contempt for a human being. It was really difficult to come out of that and I’m not always sure we made it back to where we were before.

[Rosie]

Not for me.

We both share unschooling and family duties of our kids. It’s quite balanced and is a real juggling act. And thank god, he does the majority of the cooking. 🤣

I work full-time on my interests/things. He maintains our finances and some business interests and does work on our house.

PS. I struggle with the blanket statements, I don’t identify with many of them and it makes me question my autism.

[Jenny]

I agree about blanket statements. I am trying to practice using modifiers (like “usually end in divorce”. I think in titles though it tends to encourage responses like yours – which is very autistic “Let me show you that you’re wrong.” 😀

[Test]

Rosie, if you don’t like blanket statements, you should read the study. Because it’s not actually that men shouldn’t stay at home. It’s actually that couples should have a clear division of labor. So the study actually say it doesn’t matter who does what it’s just that couples shouldn’t do what you’re doing — share everything. That conclusion has been repeated many, many times over the past 20 years — that division of labor is important. Couples that stay married with no division of labor end up neglecting the kids.

Here’s a way to think about it: companies don’t let people job share because when two people are responsible for the same job it’s too hard to know who is doing what and it’s too difficult for people to know how to interact with them to get something done. People in the community feel the same way. It’s a pain to deal with families who don’t have a specific parent doing the parenting because the household is chaos. And generally the kids just end up raising themselves.

[Jenny]

Oh, I wasn’t going to read the article since it didn’t seem relevant, but now I totally am, thanks for the synopsis!

[Rosie]

I have read it, a number of times. But tbh, those kind of articles just leave me confused. Reading comprehension is often what autistics struggle with, it’s worth bearing that in mind. And despite me doing a lot of writing for a living, it’s what I scored lowest at when I had my diagnosis assessment. And perhaps that’s why I struggle to make sense of it.

Maybe I’m an outlier, who knows, we do share a lot, but as I mentioned there are many things that we don’t share. He does finances because I just can’t cope with it, for example. We’ve been together almost 25 years, had 5 kids along the way and generally get a lot of compliments/admiration for how we live. Most people don’t know we’re an autistic family.

But it also does cause me to react, because all of a sudden I’m wondering whether I’m neglecting our kids, which I don’t think is the case. It then leaves me wondering what does neglect actually look like. I definitely had it as a child in the way of my parents often not being present/available.

I think it would be more helpful to reframe these to get real stories from people in this space and in a way that will help people identify how to move forward.

e.g. “For people who are or have been married, how have you divided labor at home?” or “How have you experienced neglect as a child?”

[Valerie]

Rosie regarding the division of labor I’ve been married for almost 30 years. We don’t have children which was by choice.

In my relationship there is a clear division of labor for certain things. We both can easily acknowledge there are things he does well and things I do well. It’s not a competition and neither feels slighted because we both know and appreciate the others strengths. Example: my husband does all laundry for our household. He is much better than me at it and I can easily let that go. I am very handy and he will ask me to help him on mechanical things that need fixing around the house. I’m an architect so everything in our home is designed by me with his input. He is in IT so he handles all technology in our home.

There are also things we both do well and often we do these together. Cooking is an example. We have a very large pro level kitchen and we both love to cook. Quality ingredients and care in our meals is something we both adore and we use that time to chat and share after work. It’s quite fun and relaxing.

[Test]

Rosie I think you’re totally right that we need to get real stories from people so we can see autistic neglect in action. Im thinking about getting th stories out

[emily]

I would love to stay home when I’m older but I dont think thats possible in this age. I love kids and get exhausted working.

[Test]

Emily more women in your generation are staying home with kids than have stayed home in 40 years. There’s a study of women undergrads at Northwestern who almost all say they expect to be the primary caretaker married to a primary breadwinner.

[ruonanl]

i wish for more stories of autistic women transitioning from working to staying at home

or how do they keep up with their special interest at home without it interfering with child care

[Valerie]

The answer to question #2 lies in what I call The Future of Work. I’m an architect and I create environments for people to be their very best selves – and that includes office, home, schools, transit, or wherever. I also rely on my special interest in human behavior in how I approach design for inclusion. This is a pivotal time for enabling change for everyone that will make this world a better place.

I initially found Penelope seeking advice on creating a blog to give these ideas a voice. And while I’ve only been aware of my neurodiversity for a month (Thanks to P!) I continue to follow my passion despite my new interest in all things autism.

I don’t want to hijack this thread with my special interests but I want you (and everyone) to know:

I see you. I respect you. I support you. ❤️

[arianne]

@valerie your job is my dream job — what I would do if I were to start all over again. I’m curious to have a conversation with you about the work you do. Would you be open to it?

[Valerie]

@arianne I’m happy to speak with you! I’m on East Coast time; I live in the DC area.

I don’t see any option for us to private message – likely a good thing.

My personal professional email is valerie.g.short@gmail.com; that’s also what’s tied to my LinkedIn profile. In the subject put P’s Forum so I can find you.