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What are your tells?
There are little (or big) things we each do that inadvertently signal to others like us we’re not neurotypical and likely autistic. Maybe we’ve always done these things yet now we’re realizing they’re a sign. What are some of yours? What tips you off when you see it in someone else?
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33 Replies
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Theres a note on my monitor that says, “Fix your face,” because I’ve always made sort of a bug eyed expression when surprised & there are video calls I’m on when that’s distracting. (As a kid I was cast in plays as expressive characters because my eyes, I was told, could be seen from the back row.)
Another is being more blunt than some appreciate. That’s a polarizing trait, I’ve learned, and one I seek out in other people because I’m not great at catching onto subtly.
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I see you. And I also see myself.
Since 3/2022 (pandemic) I’ve been working remotely full-time. I have two yellow stickies on my monitor. One says “smile and look at the camera.” The second says “pause and breathe”.
I’ll reply to my tells below.
The amount of bravery and straight talk from this group to be honest is refreshing. Thank you for sharing this.
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Hillarious. These reminders are on my desk itself.
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I have something similar but mine are yellow stickies handwritten🤣
The breathing and pause thing for me also comes from my yoga and meditation/mindfulness practice. I taught trauma informed yoga to veterans/first responders/teachers at one point and the breath is the anchor to centering and moving from flight or fight response.
It’s a very good tool for anyone to feel grounded and get back to the present moment.
That may be a good new topic: what tools are in your toolkit? Something like that… You are amazing at creating thought starters BTW I always look for your posts!
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I bet Penelope has a huge list.
Really long or really short hair. Colored hair. Tatoos. Dramatic makeup or absolutely no makeup. No or almost no jewelry or lots/large/statement jewelry.
Hmm, basically extremes.
Super fashionable, not fashionable at all. Really fancy clothing that is very detailed, really plain clothing that is super comfy. Wearing stuff that is either really visually busy or super plain.
The way we stand or sit. Fidgeting, including productive fidgeting like knitting. Eye movement.
Self-medicating – smelling of alcohol/marijuana/cigarettes.
Being way too fit/buff/thin or way overweight.
Not liking small talk. Not knowing or caring about the popular sport/tv show/entertainment. Wanting to talk about way more complex stuff with anyone who will listen.
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I’m trying to understand your comment. These are all yours or just a running list?
I’m confused. Are you saying that you specifically swing to extremes of either or?
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Oh, yes, thank you for your question. That’s a list of general tells that I recognize other folks with.
Mine: super short hair, sometimes colored, super comfy clothes that are either very plain or highly visually busy (paisley prints, tie dye), no makeup at all, not following fashion at all, fidgety, positions that probably look awkward or uncomfortable to others. Carrying way too much stuff (over prepared) or not enough (under prepared) – I do both.
Not knowing or caring about the popular sport/tv show/entertainment. Wanting to talk about way more complex stuff with anyone who will listen.
Always late is another tell in general, or always way early.
For me, I used to be an always way early person but then didn’t wait until the right time and actually showed up early – apparently you’re supposed to arrive early, entertain yourself, and then knock/show up on time? After I got married I ended up being an always late person like my spouse. I’m working on learning to be comfortably early and then show up on time.
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My hardest thing is paying attention when other people are talking. I saw a widget for people in sales to monitor if they are talking more than everyone else in a meeting. I probably need that. I need it at the dinner table, on phone calls with my brothers, everywhere. I get so bored listening that I interrupt. It’s really bad.
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What a great idea for a widget! I used to think not being good at conversation double-dutch was because I had attention issues, yet I’m realizing it’s that I don’t attend to or understand the cues people are giving that something is really important to them or just chit-chat, which I don’t grok at all.
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Penelope: when we first chatted via phone and I shared about Yoga becoming my special interest — among about 50 blog topics ❤️— you shared you also were into Yoga; I also used to teach BTW for many years.
Was your practice primarily asana meaning the shapes and physical or did you delve into the philosophy and did you/do you have a regular meditation mindfulness practice? And do you still have a practice?
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I did Ashtanga. It was so hard that I would have to sleep extra each day to recover. Then I read that Madonna went to bed early every night to recover from Ashtanga and get up early for the next round. So I thought okay, I can do it. But it really was a lot for me. It really took over my life, which I guess is the point. I didn’t do prayer stuff or anything, but I do think that going through the whole series each day turns your whole life into a prayer — your body always feels yoga and you always have to be in preparation or recovery.
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When I’m deep in thought in conversation, I start punching myself in the leg over and over really fast. I guess that’s my main way of stimming.
I didn’t even realize I did this until I was in college talking to an instructor and I noticed him staring in fascination at me punching my leg. Then I asked a classmte if I do this a lot and she was like, “Yeah, you do, and it’s kinda weird.”
With other autistic people, I meainly notice it when they’re being inadvertently rude while obviously not meaning to be, and when their hair is unkempt. (Has anyone ever noticed how neurotypical people always have perfect hair? What the hell. How do they do that.)
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Interesting.
I’ve recently – within the last several years due to incessant zoom calls vs in person meetings – been made aware I flip my hair constantly when I’m trying to focus/listen and be polite by not interrupting. Mute is my very best friend professionally as an ENTJ! I cannot tell you how many times I’m speaking on mute and grateful professionally. LOL!
I never realized until my boss sent me an IM during a presentation and said “please turn off your camera while they’re presenting you are flipping your hair constantly and it’s distracting because of they format with the Hollywood Squares.” And yeah, I realize now he is also autistic – I adored him and we did such amazing things together professionally. I wasn’t offended at all and immediately turned my camera off. Relieved in fact he told me!
I’m hugely cognizant of my appearance and I always have been. Which also now makes sense …
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I get told my expressions are “cartoony”. So embarrassing.
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Where’s the 1+ or upvote or Yup button?! How about just, “Same.”
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Who would tells you this? Is this in your professional life as feedback? Or just those close to you?
IMO that so offensive and hugely hurtful. I’m so sorry you hear this.
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I’ve gotten told it multiple times growing up. Doesn’t offend me too much anymore haha
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I live in a small town now so it took living here for me to figure out this “tell”.
When someone starts talking too long about something I don’t care about, I feel my eyes kind of going crossed. Then I realize I’m thinking about something else so I try to check back in.
Then, especially if it’s some sad story, I try to give the right facial expression but sometimes I realize it’s the wrong one and I try to warp my face into the right expression I should’ve given originally.
At this point, all I’m focused on is the exit strategy.
The next times I see these people that had a real “heart to heart” with me, I don’t even remember them. So another tell is that I appeared to be a great listener but then don’t even acknowledge them later. So am I stuck up or severely introverted? Just autistic I guess lol
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My heart goes out to you in that small town! We moved to the small rural conservative town where my husband grew up so we could live near his parents when our kid was a baby. Rather than feel welcome and supported, I felt like a quirky outsider who couldn’t be understood no matter how much I tried. Facial expressions, listening to conversations I had no context or stake in, all of it was sooo hard. And who was who? Ha.
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I’ve always had auditory processes issues. For example, someone will ask me a question and I’ll say, “what?” Before they get a chance to even complete their sentence, I’ll answer them. I cannot hear what people are saying in loud places and have a hard time understanding some accents.
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Someone said to me recently that only autistic people consider this a problem because we’re conscientious about answering what’s asked or responding to what’s said. Everyone else just talks (“jaws” was the word they said, which is a concept beyond me) without concern about it being topical or advancing the conversation. “If I don’t understand what’s asked or I didn’t get every word, that doesn’t bother me like it bothers you. I even appreciate my mild hearing loss because it means the world’s a little less hectic.” What if your auditory processing issues are a superpower?!
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Sometimes I observe neurotypical people chatting to each other. It really seems like they often don’t listen to each other at all, but continue with their own thing, over one another… And those kinds of conversations are still more of a social glue for them, than somebody genuinely wanting to understand and answer their questions. It seems bizarre that the motivation for communication would not be information exchange, but rather just sniffing each other out, as if to make sure who is in the “in-group”. Why doesn’t anyone explicitly tell us that when we are kids?
My auditory processing delay has always been an issue, and my questions for clarification seem to put people off. Unless they are also into information exchange like me, then it is not a problem.
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@gordana I have the same experience.
Listening to social conversations where everyone is trying to light up the mood kills me.. One time at a birthday dinner, the group was debating about the ‘best restaurants’ for xxx cuisine and then makeup at sephora and then subway problems. i couldn’t follow along or didn’t know where to jump in so i just sat there for 2 hours. it was excruciating.
And then at work, where I am dealing with clients, I know right away within 2 minutes of a conversation in how to progress the file. information exchange conversations are so comforting.
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the photo in penelope’s blog post made me think of this tell: mini bangs/micro fringe on adult women.
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I love that you noticed that! I am always chopping my bangs to look like that. I know it doesn’t look good and I have such a hard time caring that it doesn’t look good. So it makes sense that it’s autistic!
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ha, yeah i have mini bangs too. there’s a hair stylist, Jayne Matthews, who teaches people how to cut their own bangs using a razor. she calls her method ‘carving petals’. it’s AWESOME. i love her. she specializes in autistic hair lol: https://www.instagram.com/p/ClRtPxUjMx7/
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I was wearing converse sneakers around a professional office, which was an ‘unofficial dress code faux pass’ and it took about 5 people at different management level….formally and casually before i accepted i was the offender and that probably set me back on the promotion track by 2 years
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Wait, what??? I find it hard to believe that footwear choices would overshadow actual performance. Would you share a bit more about this?
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@valerie it’s totally a thing! I’ll never forget an informal management mtg in a software company where I worked when the people who knew people are judged by their shoes shared this with the people who didn’t know it. Those not in the know were shocked! We talked for hours and hours. We even joked this might be the hardest part of working with people remotely (on some long-dead video conferencing platform) because we couldn’t see their shoes.
Shoes offer clues about people we don’t get from their behavior: if they think themselves quirky or professional, if they prioritized comfort over looks, and if they knew the difference between style and quailty.
I’m not defending shoes-as-crystal balls or want to imply all managers saw the same shoes for the same reason. It’s a very real thing, though, even for people who don’t realize they’re doing it themselves or being judged by it by others. With your shoes you’re (often unintentionally) signaling your priorities.
Personally, as a manager I always gravitated toward people who wore trainers with their more traditional work outfits because it said to me they were comfortable with themselves while also wanting to be comfortable in their work. Wearing shoes you couldn’t run across the street in gave me the impression you were more focused on looks than being able to hustle on the job.
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Penelope told me I should post this email I sent her weeks ago and I kept forgetting:
“Penelope, I saw your comment on this in the community forum. I just wanted to say that you are actually a lot better about not interrupting than a lot of autistic people. (Especially the extroverted ones.) There have been a lot of times in the webinars where I’ve thought you could easily interrupt someone and you didn’t.
<font face=”arial, sans-serif” color=”#000000″>That’s also why I told you the other day that you’re a pretty good listener. I can tell you work really hard at it. </font>
<font face=”arial, sans-serif” color=”#000000″>To me that proves that if we work really hard at getting better at something, even if we never get as good at it as neurotypicals, we can still improve. So it’s worth trying to be better.” </font>
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One thing that came to my attention recently was how I appeared, I had very unpleasant expressions. In the past, I’ve been told that I look angry or upset when I am in fact feeling reasonably neutral. However, having it pointed out by Penelope in the last meeting caused me great concern. I could not stop thinking about it. I kept thinking, “shit, do I need to get back into therapy?” “I really need to start my meditation practice again.” Although I appreciate the honest feedback, it did make me feel very self-conscious.
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One thing I notice in others because I do it too: not sitting “properly” in chairs, but instead sitting on one leg, having one leg pulled up on the chair, sitting cross-legged on the chair etc.
I can’t help myself, but when I see it in others I think “yeah that doesn’t look professional at all”
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Does anyone else prefer sitting in the back of a classroom or meeting room because you know you’re going to be moving around a lot more than the people around you and better that they all be facing away from you? Figuring out where my legs go is a part of that (movie theatres, ugh!) and just figuring out how to sit in general likely gives me away for those who know.
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