Negative self-talk (trauma response)

[marcia]

Can we make this a whole topic somewhere? The opposite of a special interest, it’s a brutal reality I suspect many of us share. It’s also not really unmasking per-se. It’s crap perhaps we can unravel/let go if we’re aware we do it as a group & wished we didn’t.

[Test]

Do you think Dorie’s response is so bad? I have a hard time understanding if this is trauma or autism. I mean, on some level it’s seems like a rational response for Dorie to assume she missed some cue and that’s why she can’t get into the live session. I miss instuctions constantly that would have enabled me to keep up with a group– log on, sign in, show up, whatever. So I accept this as part of my life that I’m incompetent at doing stuff like this. I see that it’s sad. But it almost seems like the rare exception when I missed something that everyone else missed as well.

[Jenny]

I think autism is trauma based. Even if it’s just epigenetic trauma. So no need to make a distinction in that case.

[Gordana]

It would be a rational, and a mature response if the person is habitually disorganised, late, chaotic, whatever. It is not a rational response for those of us who are usually organised, double check everything and are good with technology. In the second case it seems more likely due to trauma, because the same can happen to neurotypical people with PTSD, for example. But while PTSD is usually situation specific, autism could make it more general. These are my best guesses.

[Gordana]

I second that, it’s an important topic! It might even not be a strictly autism thing to have that much anxiety, but a traumatised autistic thing / female autistic. I know several autistic men to whom it wouldn’t even occur that they are in the wrong , but women are much more likely to assume we screwed up.

[Jenny]

I wonder if men don’t do that because their coping tool is more likely to look like narcissism/entitlement?

[susan]

yes! my default is to blame (and berate) myself!

[Test]

My kids have picked up my language of self-blame and it’s so sad. It’s a good kick in the pants to stop with that sort of talk — at least out loud — when you hear your kids say it to themselves as if it’s totally normal.

[Valerie]

Interesting thread. My inner monologue was entirely different.

I immediately was frustrated. Not at myself because I always follow directions; rules, etc are hugely important to me. I follow them; to a T. And yeah, I now realize that’s a marker.

Like the good student, I attempted to log on at least 5 minutes before. Couldn’t get in. Confirmed message directions, tried another PC, and even logged onto my Zoom account I use for personal meetings I host to ensure it wasn’t a platform outage. Nope. Tried a 3rd time and couldn’t get in. It was now 5 minutes past the start time.

On the first attempt I was annoyed; after the third time I was angry. Angry at the host, the emails, and what I perceive as sloppiness, the lack of technical knowledge, etc. Never once did I believe it was me. I waited until 10 minutes after the hour which is my internal clock which then triggers “this person is not worth my time.” My friends call this the *snip snip*.

I went into my Gmail calendar for personal appointments, eliminated that day’s appointment for the meeting, confirmed it was there for next week l, then moved on to the rest of my workday. Didn’t think about it again.

For me, this is the highest level of rudeness because my most precious commodity is time. It was wasted by someone. And that’s a hard line for me. My expectation is for people to show up on time, be prepared, and most of all participate. I am prepared; they should as well. Otherwise I wouldn’t be there.

One exec coach I had a while ago said to me “try to go in without an expectation because then you will never be disappointed.” I turned turned to her looked her straight in the eye and said “now why the hell would I initiate or attend a meeting with anyone without an expectation? That’s the absolute worst advice ever. How much am I paying you?”

I never had another session with this coach. *snip snip* 🤪

[Jenny]

I just happened to have watched a KidTimeStoryTime video on YouTube reading a book called “Sour Grape” – this feels like a similar situation.

I have a question, why do you choose anger instead of curiosity/compassion? I agree time is a precious commodity and that it’s reasonable not to sit around waiting. So I’m not disagreeing with any of your actions. What I’d like to understand is your thought process. Why is it rude for things to go wrong for someone? It definitely sucks for you and for them, but is it rude?

I guess I wonder what rudeness is. Is it a social construct, and if so, is it a good one? What is its purpose/use? Does it help us recognize when we need to hold a boundary? I definitely did not learn how to do that as a kid.

[ruonanl]

Slightly off topic but wanted to add the comment that the “time is a precious commodity” came up in one of those online dating website. They asked you to rank “time, power, money, and knowledge” in the order of importance before matching you up with potential dates.

It never occurred me that ‘time’ could be ranked highest for some people because it’s seemed ‘boring’. so that became my go-to question to filter out men on dates because I’m always fascinated by how people explain their ranking. And it helps me decide compatibility. It made some boring dates last a little big longer.

I guess I’m trying to say when I hear members in this community explaining their values – it’s really interesting to hear it from the autism perspective!

[Gordana]

This is interesting. I was also frustrated and found it really
unprofessional. I host Zoom meetings often and I’ve never, ever been
late, nor has it ever happened that I hosted the meeting without
checking everything in advance. And yet, there was self-doubt.

There was also curiosity. The first week meeting started late, the second was on time, and then this third one was either late or wasn’t happening. Even though the sample size was very small, 2/3 seemed more than a pattern, it seemed like it could be regularity. So one, I gathered that the meetings in future may or may not happen on time – and although I don’t like it, knowing what to expect makes it easier, removes the anxiety. Two, I felt compassion – because if Penelope can’t manage turning up on time (or at all) 2/3 times it is a wonder to me she manages anything, and reading her blog for more than a decade, I know she manages a lot. So I’m willing to be patient with her, and now I’m curious about how I can learn to be more patient and lenient with myself. Because it’s really not the of the world if we miss something.

[emily]

I used to engage in this a lot and I think its a consequence of our inherent problem solving nature. Some productive self criticism is beneficial, but when it becomes rumination or unhelpful I try to mentally end the self conversation if that makes sense. Notice I say “try”. I’m still learning!